at last, the toronto song

A ways back, Wrye said he was going to introduce me to "The Toronto Song". I googled around for it, but the only thing I found was this from Groucho Marx. Wrye never mentioned it again, and so I promptly forgot all about it.

Wrye, apparently, did not. And he has at last ended the mystery, prompting some funny comments here. So, wmtc readers, I bring you... The Toronto Song.
Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie’s
The Toronto Song (1989 Version)

I hate the Skydome
And the CN tower too
I hate Nathan Phillips Square
and the Ontario Zoo
The rent's too high
The air's unclean
The beaches are dirty
And the people are mean,
And the women are big
And the men are dumb
And the children are loopy
'cause they live in a slum
The water is polluted and the mayor's a dork
They dress real bad and they think they're New York
In Toronto-
Ontario-o-oh...

(spoken)
A: You know...I think I pretty much hate all of Ontario.
B: Oh yeah…Me too.

I hate Thunder Bay and Ottawa,
Kitchener, Windsor, and Oshawa,
London sucks,
and the Great Lakes suck,
And Sarnia sucks,
and Turkey Point sucks
I took a trip to Ontario,
To visit Brian Mulroney-
Moosoonee sucks and Beaverton sucks Southhampton sucks and Hull sucks, too
He beat me up
and he stole my pants
and he put me on a tree
Peterborough, Marlborough, Stockton suck, Elk Bay Islands And Uxbridge suck
I went to see the Maple Leafs,
and got hit in the head with a puck
Mississauga sucks and Sterling sucks Port Elgin Sucks and Brighton sucks
I don't even know how they did it, I mean,
I was playing the organ at the time
Ravenhurst sucks and Sudbury sucks and Thunder Bay sucks and
Alan Thicke sucks!

Ontario-o-o-o-oh
Sucks.

(spoken)
A: Yup. Actually you know now that I really think about it, I think I pretty much hate every gosh darn province and territory in our country.
B: Well, except Alberta…
A: Oh yeah, I love Alberta!
B: It's very nice, lots of cows and trees and rocks and dirt
A+B: moo moo moo!
but,

I hate Newfoundland cause they talk so weird
And Prince Edward Island is- too small!
Nova Scotia's dumb cause it's the name of a bank
New Brunswick doesn't have a good mall
Quebec is revolting and it makes me mad
Ontario sucks, Ontario sucks
(spoken)
B: And the average population density of Manitoba is 1.9 people per square kilometer…
A: Isn't that stupid?

Saskatchewan is boring and the people are old
And as for the territories: they're too cold!
And the only really good thing about the province of British Columbia is that it's right next to us;

Cause Alberta--
Doesn't suck;

but Calgary does.
This is downright hilarious. I love that Mississauga made the cut! Best line, hands down: "The water is polluted and the mayor’s a dork /
They dress real bad and they think they're New York". Priceless.

Wrye also notes:
OMFG, we have to introduce redsock and LG to The Worms, Frantics and The Vestibules (ne' Radio Free Vestibule) post haste!
To which I reply: Fuckin' A!

Funny thing is, back before I met any of you, when wtmc was a mere five days old, someone introduced me to The Arrogant Worms. When I sent out my leaving announcement to the Haven Coalition, the abortion-access activist group I used to help run, one of the volunteers passed my info on to her parents. She is the daughter of a Vietnam War draft resister (an American man) and a Canadian mom. Her dad sent me this. Check out the post. I was begging for people to leave comments. Hee hee.

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