high anxiety

A personal post today.

I got the assignment.

And I'm freaking out.

It's typical feast-or-famine freelance stuff, but in this case the semi-famine was on purpose - and I was enjoying it. Thanks to my well-paid, low-work day-job on the weekends, I'm able to enjoy down periods without financial stress.

With this BLC* looming, I've been very comfortable without a lot of writing work. Seeing friends, enjoying the city, watching movies or baseball, and of course blogging, has been enough. Add in my work for Kids On Wheels and what I'm still doing with the Haven Coalition, and it was quite enough. Note that this is a five-day week: Saturday and Sundays are spent in a corporate law firm, 12 hours each day.

Then a giant project falls in my lap. It's interesting work, something I enjoy and am good at. It pays literally ten times more than the other books I've written and four times more than I've ever been paid for a single assignment. I don't write strictly for money - Kids On Wheels, for example, doesn't pay well, but they pay fairly according to their ability, and I am passionate about the work. But being really well compensated for doing what you love - what could be better?

Plus this work has the potential to be ongoing: if it works out, it could save me from full-time word-processing after we move. This is very, very big.

The downside: I'm about to be swamped, and working under extreme deadline pressure is not one of my strengths. I'm the oddball who leaves lots of extra time for everything. I never pulled an all-nighter in college; papers were always done well before they were due. I write assignments early, building in time to let the piece sit untouched for a day or two, which I find essential to good editing.

I know it's unusual - I live with someone who can't think about starting until the deadline looms - but it's how I am.

I've struggled with overload anxiety all my life. When I feel too busy or too pressured, I tend towards panic, and I can't think straight. My mother claims I was like this in the 4th grade, coming home with a book report and math homework on the same day, in frantic tears, bemoaning how I'd never get it all done.

Over the years I've learned how to control and harness this. I recognize some semi-panic as part of my writing process. I can separate myself from it, look at it from the outside: oh yes, this is the part when I get nervous and doubt my ability to get it all done...

Nevertheless. This is a lot of work, without much time, the first time I've worked with this company, and with the premiere issue of the KOW magazine - which means a lot to me - happening at the same time. And I still have a month or two left on my obligations to Haven, which I can't just ditch.

And so, I've been up since 4:00 a.m., wide-eyed, stomach churning. Klonopin, as well as the delegation of several household duties to a certain other blogger around here, will be key to avoiding a complete meltdown.

****

How I made this writing connection is a cool side note.

Last summer, I spent a lot of time running a phone bank for ACT. (Remember John Kerry...?) I trained volunteers phoners, then did supervising and trouble shooting once they were on the phones.

One of the many volunteers I met said she was very impressed with my work - which kind of amazed me, because what was I really doing? - and asked me what I did in the rest of my life. When I said I was a writer, she pressed further, and when I mentioned writing for young people, her face lit up. "Oh really? My husband is the editorial director of Weekly Reader..." She gave me her card and his, and urged me to get in touch.

After the election - and after my mourning period - I did. I interviewed with her husband, who instantly offered me work, and who has since been passing my resume and samples along to various people in the business.

This is a great example of something my life is rich with. I truly believe that no experience is ever wasted. Connections are formed in ways you cannot foresee.

Also, that volunteer did a very special thing. Most people don't give a second thought to the people around them. She took the initiative and made a real difference in someone else's life. Her example reminds me to (continue to) strive to do the same.

****

Blogging is good. I feel much better.




* big life change